You Can Love Your Baby and Still Struggle With Motherhood

There seems to be an unwritten rule about motherhood: once you have a baby, you're supposed to be completely in love with being a mom.

You waited for this. You wanted this. You love this tiny person more than you knew you could love another human.

So...why is this so hard?

Maybe you've had the thought:

I love my baby, but I don't know if I love being a mom right now.

And then, approximately three seconds later, the guilt arrives.

Because apparently motherhood comes with a complimentary side order of guilt. No registration required.

But here's something we don't say nearly enough:

You can love your baby deeply and still struggle with motherhood. Both things can be true at the same time.

You Can Be Grateful and Still Be Overwhelmed

You can be incredibly grateful for your baby and desperately want someone else to hold them for an hour.

You can miss them when they're sleeping and then wonder why on earth you wanted them to wake up once they do.

You can look at their little face and think, I cannot believe I get to be your mom.

And later that same day think, If one more person needs something from me, I may move into the garage.

None of that means you love your baby any less.

It means you're a person.

A very tired person who is now responsible for another person.

Motherhood Changes More Than Your Schedule

Everyone tells you that having a baby will change your life.

What they don't always explain is just how much of you can feel different afterward.

Your body may feel different. Your relationship may feel different. Your friendships can change. Your priorities shift. Your routines disappear. Things that once made you feel like yourself may suddenly be difficult to fit into your life.

Even going to Target alone can start feeling suspiciously like a vacation.

And somewhere between feeding schedules, laundry, appointments, work, dishes, diapers, and Googling things like "Is it normal for babies to..." at 1:17 a.m., you may start wondering:

Where did I go?

That feeling can be unsettling.

You can adore the person you became a mother to while also missing the person you were before becoming their mother.

You don't have to choose between those feelings.

You Don't Have to Love Every Part of Motherhood

There are beautiful parts of motherhood.

There are also parts that are boring, frustrating, exhausting, lonely, overstimulating, and just plain hard.

You are allowed to dislike those parts.

You don't have to treasure every moment.

Some moments are magical.

Some moments are meant to be survived with cold coffee and whatever snack you can eat with one hand.

Not enjoying every part of motherhood doesn't make you ungrateful. It doesn't make you a bad mom. And it certainly doesn't mean you don't love your child.

And Then There's the Guilt

Mom guilt has an impressive ability to show up no matter what you do.

Take some time for yourself?

I should be with my baby.

Spend all your time taking care of everyone else?

I've completely lost myself.

Go back to work?

I'm missing too much.

Stay home?

Am I doing enough outside of being a mom?

Lose your patience?

I'm ruining my child.

Hide in the bathroom for five minutes because nobody is allowed to follow you in there?

Actually, keep that one. Sometimes that's just good planning.

The goal isn't to become a mother who never gets overwhelmed, frustrated, or tired.

That person does not exist.

The goal is to start making room for the idea that being a good mother and being a human being are not mutually exclusive.

Sometimes Struggling Means You Need More Support

There's also an important difference between motherhood being hard and feeling like you're barely keeping your head above water.

If sadness, anxiety, guilt, irritability, intrusive thoughts, hopelessness, or feeling unlike yourself are becoming persistent or overwhelming, you don't have to just push through because "motherhood is hard."

Pregnancy and postpartum can bring significant emotional and mental health changes, and needing support during this season is more common than many people realize.

Therapy can give you somewhere to talk honestly about what's happening - the loving parts, the difficult parts, and even the thoughts you feel like you're not supposed to say out loud.

No performance required.

You Are Still in There

Motherhood can change you. In many ways, it probably will.

But becoming a mother doesn't mean the rest of you disappeared.

The person you were before your baby is still there. And over time, you may find that you're not necessarily trying to "get back" to your old self.

You're getting to know this version of yourself.

The one who can love her child fiercely and still need a break.

The one who can feel grateful and overwhelmed.

The one who can have a hard day without deciding she's a bad mom.

The one who is allowed to need care, too.

You don't have to love every moment of motherhood to love being your baby's mother.

And if this season feels harder than you expected, you don't have to figure it all out alone.